So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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