Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
