Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
