This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
