Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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