Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
