we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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