the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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