she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
did i walk over a car last night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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