His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize