: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
