I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
