I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
