Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
