Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
