I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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