I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
