You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
