the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
