While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
