I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
