So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
