Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
