I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
