Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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