You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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