Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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