when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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