Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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