yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
