He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize