I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think I died a long time ago.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
