I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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