Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
