woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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