Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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