I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Randomize
