he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
