No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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