At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
