Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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