I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
