coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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