I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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