i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize