I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
