Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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