i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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