Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
