Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
