I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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