I have demons in me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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