Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
