Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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