Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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