Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize